Simply Katie

I can't even look at this picture without smiling just a tad and letting a small sigh escape my lips. I'm quite confident I really would do just about anything for my feet to walk on English soil again. To sit in Chambers coffee shop, drinking hot chocolate that is so good it is sinful. Or maybe I would go sit in the little band shell of sorts above the English Channel with the blanket my Beppe made me and watch the clouds roll across the water from France, listen to the rain pour and soak it all in. Perhaps I would embark on a spontaneous dinner in an English pub with men who had been there all day and I would probably challenge them to a game of Uno (and one of them may be so intoxicated he may fall of his chair mid game.). I would certainly be forcing my enchilada dinners and love of Keith Urban upon my ever so patient friend Helen,insisting she dance on the couch and love all Mexican food.  I could continue to list memories and what if's but what I really want is to find out how to make England Katie and American Katie be friends rather than always longing for something different, something more.

When in England, I was just different. I don't necessarily know how or why other than both times that I lived there, I knew to the core of my being that I was where I was supposed to be. From the second I boarded the plane to London, I changed. I was calm and confident. 

England Take One was about Bible School. It was about the most incredible friendships I'd ever made (Cherry Brown- how can you not love a 5 foot nothing beauty with an powerhouse singing voice and looks all sweet but really is a fierce one...and then there's Luis. He's Cuban, from California and spoke with a fake British accent the first time I met him. He has an incredible laugh, is now a celebrity hair stylist and also rode his bike everywhere in England. I love him.) That Katie was bold. Courageous. So unaware of how American I was. I remember knowing God so deeply that year. I loved where my life was going and I loved that I chose to follow my heart rather than go the traditional route of pursuing a degree at a 4 year school. I feel like there's so much more to this but essentially I was just happy. 

That year of school ended and as I got on the plane coming back to America, I just felt tired. It was as if I hadn't stopped living from 10 months and somewhere between London and San Francisco I suddenly was so overwhelmed I just slept. I remember customs at the airport, how a pleasant 60 something year old man calmly looked at my passport, asked no questions and simply said, "Welcome Back". I remember looking up behind the desk, seeing the American flag and feeling this mixture of pride with a dash of trepidition for what England Katie was going to do in America again. I had changed. I was in the place I had spent my entire life and yet I felt so awkward. I said words like "petrol" and "trash bin". And for the next 5 or so years, I embarked on this journey back in Idaho, unable to shake the feeling that I wasn't me. I dated the wrong guy, worked a lot of the wrong jobs, and was, for lack of a better word, lost. 

And so I went back. I went back to find if England Katie still existed. This time, when I got there, I was so cold. I literally told this sweet girl "Im not here to make friends." Who says that? (For the record, she's a dear friend now. Thankfully, she didn't take me seriously and pursued this mess of an American anyway.) It didn't take much time for my to find England Katie again. All I needed was to remember the girl who at 18 followed her heart, her God and moved across the world. It took months of walking away the pounds of emotions I had gained, laughing and making efforts for friendships with people who embraced all that I am/was/want to be. I salsa danced at The View. I did cartwheels on the beach. I soaked in wisdom of women who valued me and gave me tea while I cried.  

And then I realized that England Katie and American Katie really aren't that different. We are the same girl. Feisty, kind, bold. The only thing that changed is how I was choosing to see myself. American Katie was the one brave enough to go, but English Katie was the one brave enough to change. So really, all I had to do was stay brave no matter the soil I walked. 

As Winston Churchill once said, "Kites rise highest against the wind. Not with it." I became like a kite. And I'm still rising.