For Better and For Worse

     

   

   It's been 368 days since I committed my everything to Ian. I walk through the home that we have together, full of incredible pictures taken by our incredible friend Sid and revel in how he perfectly captured moments that I didn't even know were happening. I look at my shoes that I kick off every day under our kitchen bar and see the cereal bowl with a few remnant's of Ian's morning oatmeal resting on the counter and smile at the little things that somehow just happen. I often filter through the stock pile of notes Ian has left me, thanking God for the one He gave me who understand my love of words.  There are feathers, super glue and other essentials to fly tying on our kitchen table and my books everywhere, they are an extension of us. It's only fitting that they are literally everywhere in our house. 

      Our wedding was a defining moment in my life. It was a labor of love of so many people. One of my best and life long friends came for 5 days and helped her mom make each and every aspect of the decor something that belonged in a magazine.Without them, I would have been lost. Their vision and ability to make a room take your breath away still blow me away. Our families came from all over the United States. I wish I could go back to those two days we were all together, eating, laughing, loving and just being us. I know my Beppe was looking down from heaven, beaming that the prayers she prayed over us all were coming to fruition. I loved the excitement of Ian and I's young cousins about being in Idaho and helping set up the wedding. I loved my sister being the one standing with me, like she always has. I loved the Idaho shaped sugar cookies. All of these people and things are such an important part of the beginning of our forever. 

     

I made a choice on October 27, 2012. I remember the day we got married and how utterly calm I was. Calm is not something I really ever am. The fact I didn't cry at all walking down the aisle or during our vows is shocking because I cry at everything. I don't remember much of that beautiful day but I do remember standing with Ian and vowing that "for better and for worse" I would stand by him, love him, work for his dreams, be patient and forgiving. I remember this sense of boldness coming to my heart when saying the words "for better and for worse".  I felt such conviction when I felt them leave my lips because I knew that I was committing something far beyond myself. 

     Loving Ian is the best choice I've ever made. When the syllables that made the words "for better and for worse" left my lips, I was unaware of the magnitude they would have on my life in the next year and that often both of those things would come in the same day. I was unsure of the mountains  ahead of us but confident in the one I set out to conquer them with. And our first year of marriage certainly didn't lack for mountains. 

     I could tell you all the hard things that we experienced these last 12 months. Some would be pretty typical for most couples and other things would make you want to come over with some Champagne and celebrate with us. We sure did have a lot of really rough moments, day/s, maybe even weeks...but we also have a 368 consecutive day success rate for overcoming them. It wasn't always pretty. And there were lots of tears on my part and many hours spent in the garage on Ian's part. I'm a firm believer in that the one you choose to join your life to dictates a lot of how your life will go. 

    

      

But for every struggle, the victory was so much sweeter. Each mountain top was worth the work we put in together to get there. I learned that the better part of things were often the small, seemingly insignificant things. It is post it notes plastered all over the house, silly and sappy. It is peanuts and beer while watching the Yankees at SafeCo field. It is surf and turf dinner together on Christmas Eve, reveling how great it was to be a family and make our own traditions. It's reading on the bank of the river while Ian fishes and realizing how happy we both are together, even doing different things. It's those treasured 3 minutes on the phone in the middle of fire season that give both of us the reassurance that we are thriving and each other's biggest supporter. I could go on and on, counting out all the perfect things that happened in the most difficult and beautiful year of my life. 

     I am so thankful for the man God gave me. I'm thankful for his patience with me. I'm thankful for the level of intelligence and work ethic that he puts forth in all he does. He is diligent and relentless in his pursuit of life. He is my Ephesians 3:20.  I know that our better far outweighs our worse. I will say yes to this man and our life for the rest of my days. 

    We celebrated our year of marriage with a trip to the Tetons. And it was there that I fell in love with Ian all over again. Knowing that if our mountains turn out anything like the Tetons, we are blessed.  

     Cheers to one year with the one I love. 

(I can't seem to get our wedding video to link to this so if you'd like to see it, go to:
YouTube, search Sidney Diongzon and you'll find "Ian and Katie: An Autumn Wedding")

Enough

     I remember being a gap toothed, knobby kneed girl who buried herself in the life stories of Nancy Drew, Anne of Green Gables, Esther and countless other strong, heroic females. I always wanted to be them, failing to see myself as enough. I wanted the bravery of Esther, to change the course of History with her self confidence and obedience to God. And Nancy Drew was adventurous, smart and had the world's two best friends. Anne of Green Gables was spunky and a dreamer. And I was just a little blonde girl who looked in the mirror every day and saw everything that I wasn't instead of the incredible things that I was. I saw freckles and blue eyes that seemed just a little too big. I saw a girl whose eyes filled with tears at every heartbreak and who was too scared to make friends because she was bossy, insecure and somehow shy. (At least I felt that way, my mother though feels that I was far from shy.) 

     I spent most of my childhood and heck, most of my life, wishing away the here and now. I wished for less freckles, to be older, to win Star Search, to own my own library, to never have to go to another sleepover, to have a best friend. I wished away so much because I was so busy convincing myself that I wasn't enough that life passed me by. I tried to be a party girl in college and failed miserably because I just love Jesus way too much. I tried to be the smart career girl and that fails miserably every time. I look at myself in the mirror and see 20 unwanted pounds, dark circles under my eyes and those damn freckles. Here I am, at 28 still seeing the grown up version of that gap tooth, blondie whose dreams were so big but confidence was so small. And I wonder, what would happen if I lived in the right here, right now?

      Life hasn't been very kind lately. My family is falling apart before my eyes. I'm in yet another transition period vocationally and because I don't have a piece of my paper validating my worth, the job hunt is taunting. I'm sort of settling in as a wife but I still have so much to learn and find myself wishing I was just like whatever wife I think is outdoing me. My friendship circles have changed drastically and I've been hurt by people I was so raw with and even though it's supposed to be going away, it still stings more than I'd like to admit. I feel let down and not good enough. I say that it doesn't matter and that it's ok to be treated the way these "friends" treated me because as the saying goes, "hurting people hurt people" but I can't live that way with any sense of honesty. 

      I don't want to be the girl who sees herself as not enough in every single capacity. I want to stop defending myself to everyone I find it necessary to do so. I'm exhausted from trying to prove that who I am, where I am, right here, right now is enough. And not just enough...it's beautiful and lovely and real. 

I may not have a college degree that deems me worthy of a certain pay grade, but I do have a heart that loves people and that does take me further than any dollar will (note to all of you who think I'm just living on a prayer: I'm not...I'm simply saying that my heart and my character mean more to me than a paycheck and I don't define who I am by the work that earns the paycheck I bring home). I may not be supermodel hot, but I do have a husband who loves me and makes a point to tell me how much he loves those damn freckles and blue eyes. I want to be one to be gracious and to find beauty in the ugly but not ignore the pain. 

     Wouldn't it be a beautiful thing to find it amongst ourselves to take those closest to us and love them right where they are instead of trying to fix them or their situation? To walk together in grace. To look at our life and not be disappointed to the point that, like me, you let life go without you but rather to find the joy in the journey of now knowing it won't stay that way forever. To extend a hand when it's needed simply because we love the one who needs it rather than because we have the answer they need.

     Simply Kate isn't just a blog title. It's who I am, day in and day out. It's a mixture of laughter and tears, triumphs and falling flat on my face and then being run over by the world's longest train. I am real. And I am enough.