Adieu, 28

Tomorrow, June 10, is my birthday. I'm currently sitting on my couch marveling about the fact that I have approximately 3 hours left in my 28th year of life. This year has gone so far the opposite of what I had planned that it's almost comical, in a terribly painful sort of way. 28 wasn't kind. For the most part it wasn't fun. It was stressful. It's been one of the most insecure years of my life. I've been angry, heartbroken and felt alone. I've been brave and cried more than I ever thought was possible for my already extremely active tear ducts which in turn made me feel the opposite of brave. Basically, I was/am a mess. 

I had so much more planned for my life than what has happened. I was going to be done having babies by 29 and I haven't even started yet. I was going to be established in a career, knowing that whatever it was that I was doing, was encouraging others to be brave with their own life. I felt certain this year would have been the one where I became an expert wife who made insanely healthy meals, had a killer body and was a DIY queen whose home would be the envy of everyone for the perfect mix of Ian and I's loves and interests. I was going to host a Christmas party, join a book club, and travel more. 

None of that happened. No baby. I left an amazing job to go to school for something I don't love to prove to people I don't care about that I'm smart enough to be somebody. I've made some healthy meals but they are generally tarnished by some craving I have. Don't even ask me about my body. The DIY projects have been limited to a bookshelf and a cookie jar that I eventually just put a sticker on as a label, rather than the cool chalkboard art I planned on. There was no Christmas party. I have yet to invite anyone to my book club. The travel thing happened- an amazing trip to the Bahamas, a perfect anniversary weekend in Jackson and a few weekends in other places. 

In my first year of marriage, my mom filed for divorce from my dad. It was awful and ugly and I still am not sure that I'll ever be over it. The ripple effect has changed so many relationships in my life, it seems like I can't escape it. There were friends who I bore my everything to who now I have no relationship with. Girls that I laughed with, shared secrets with and made an effort to be real and vulnerable with are now strangers. My family has changed too. I've realized that there are certain instances when "family" has very little to do with blood and for that I'm extremely thankful.  

Between the family stuff, the loss of friendships, the job situations, and life in general, it was a rough year. My incredible husband carried my burdens and his own on a yolk that I should have shared but was incapable of pulling my weight. That man is my greatest gift, day after day. He is consistent, calm and ever so loving to me. He was the one who helped me find hope in my ashes. 

I sit here tonight, thinking about how tough being 28 was. But I'm hopeful and expectant that 29 will be so much more than 28 could have been. I have the best husband on the planet. I am starting a job as a librarian at a school full of amazing kids and fulfilling a dream I've had since I was a little girl. I have solid friendships. I'm excited to walk forward with the ones who didn't walk away when I was a miserable person to be a friend to. I'm thankful for new friendships, too. I want to keep a tender heart this year, moving forward with courage and hope. I hope 29 brings more passport stamps. A book club. Wine and Prasai take out. A baby. Reconciliation. A Nena and Co Weekender bag. Joy. Confidence that right here, right now, I am beautiful and enough. Just to name a few but I know that the best is yet to come. 

(What, what would have become of me) had I not believed that I would see the Lord's goodness in the land of the living! Wait and hope for and expect the Lord; be brave and of good courage and let your heart be stout and enduring. Yes, wait for and hope for and expect the Lord. 

Pslams 27:13-14

Welcome 29. You are wanted. You are my year. Let's do this. 

Bahama's, Baby!

A while back, I posted 30 things I wanted to accomplish before I turned 30. Quite honestly, I've not put much effort into the list since that time. Lately, I've felt very disconnected from my blog and while trying to find something to write about today, I revisited the list. Enter today's blog topic and 1/2 of one of my goals. Double win.

This heart of mine has always been fascinated with travel (although as a kid, I chose to sit in the car and read while my family played on the beach or hiked down trails when we vacationed) and so when my in-laws gifted my husband and I a trip to visit them in the Bahama's, it took no convincing on my behalf to accept. To say the trip was one of the best weeks we have ever had is to put it in the simplest form possible. 

This was the view for over an hour, flying south into the Bahamas. I annoyed Ian with constant, repetitive comments regarding a) my excitement, b) how stunning it was, c) how sad I was that we were going to have to leave in a week. Point C is fully recognized as dramatic but let's face it, no one wants to leave a dream vacation, especially when the view is this good on the way. 

Our feet touched the ground, we took a deep breath of salty air, I scrunched my nose in sheer happiness and walked with Ian into such a fun adventure. 

We were able to feed and pet stingrays. This is also the spot that I met a little boy named Richard who named all of the stingrays "Stingray". 

Ocean side with my main squeeze.

This sand bar was bar none the most beautiful beach area I've ever been too. Even some rain showers couldn't take away from the perfection of this place. 

Naps while sailing are essential when on vacation. 

Daily swims are also a must. How can one resist such water? 

Ian went spear fishing with a friend of the family's and they brought back this hogfish for dinner. Ahhhhmazing. 

The world's best cook happens to be my mother in law. She's all around wonderful. 

The Rickert men. Their similarities are pretty frightening but provided much amusement over the course of the week.

No caption needed. 

We played 26 games of Mexican Train over the course of the week. I won game 23 and 25. There was a point where I was not going to leave the country until I won and it still took 10 plus games before that happened. 

I could continue to post pictures and tell you even more stories of what a treasured week we had. I am so lucky for this life I have. No promises though of futures posts that gush even more about all of this goodness. Bahamas is best!! 

Come to the Table

     In our sweet home, on of my favorite places is our kitchen table. I sit here often thinking of the day I just experienced, or planning the days ahead. There is glue on it from the countless hours Ian spent there laboring over the tiny, important details that are required of fly tying. There are Cooking Light magazine, bills to be paid, and whatever I'm reading spread across the top. Depending on which chair you sit in, you can see a fair amount of the place we call home. 

      My favorite chair is the one Ian sits in for dinner but I always steal for breakfast. There's a view of our kitchen where I often catch myself smiling at Ian's shed antler finds mixed among my Anthropologie purchases. It's a constant reminder of our individual personalities find their way into our life as husband and wife. If you look out our back door, you can see our little tree in the back yard. We planted it after buying our house and you can rest assured I will be carving our initials in it before we move out. You can also see our living room, where so much reading happens. There's more books, more fly fishing stuff, more antlers, and pictures of our life. I see the blanket my Beppe knit for me and mailed to England with a card that said she was praying I would never give up even though she knew how hard that season of life was for me. I see that blanket and suddenly am transported to the seaside in Folkestone where I would bring it to keep me warm while I prayed and watched the sea. I see it and think how lucky I am to be her granddaughter and live my days with her legacy at the forefront of my mind. I look at the pictures on the wall that were taken on a fire that Ian fought. They remind me to pray, and never taken my husband's life for granted. 

     It isn't just what I can see from the table, though, that captivates me. It's what happens there. Up until a few months ago when Ian built himself a massive desk, he tied flies at the kitchen table. I loved the nights I sat on the couch with a book or the tv keeping me company while I sat and watched this brilliant man make tiny insects attached to fishing hooks with such concentration. I love eating dinner together at the table, recapping our day, planning the future and just being together. I love writing at this table because so much of what inspires me is right in front of me. I feel brave and safe here. I pay bills and make grocery lists here, so it's also a reminder of my responsibilities as a wife. It's where I sit when I FaceTime friends from around the world, cup of tea in hand, feeling like they are right there with me. It's where we eat with our friends and actually *talk* to them rather than communicating through mobile devices and social media. My table is such a happy place. 

     Someday our table will host a few more place settings as our family expands. Chances are, a little one will scratch their name into the wood. It will be where battles of will are tested when someone doesn't want to eat something from dinner. It will be the center for many creative afternoon hours spent building with marshmallows and toothpicks. Or painting masterpieces that will be forced upon family members to be displayed on refrigerators. Lots of learning will happen here, homework is almost always easier with a snack. There will probably always be books on it. I'm sure I will be cleaning up dried guacamole and orange juice, wishing for the days that I only had Ian and I to clean up after. I hope, though, that our table is always a place to connect as a family. A place where we are creative and so happy when we are there. 

     I love our table and how it provides a space for connection. I have planned, laugh and grown so much from my seat. The opportunities my table gives me for memory making are innumerable. I hope hope I always go back to the table to be reminded of how rich my life truly is. 

"...Indeed, he would have brought you out of dire distress, into a broad place where there is no restraint; And what is set on your table would be full of richness." Job 36:16