I Said "Yes"

It was a year ago today that Ian changed my life forever. I was sitting on the couch, exhausted from the prior 5 days in Texas, saying goodbye to my Grams and also so not ready to face the fact that Ian’s crew was available for fires the next day which meant he could potentially be heading to any place burning in a few short hours. I had already said one incredibly difficult goodbye to one of the core people in my life, and although I knew Ian wasn't going to die and that our goodbye wasn't for forever, I just didn't want him to leave. I couldn't bear the thought of him lacing up his boots, throwing his pack over his shoulder, jumping into The Stranger (his beloved pickup), and heading straight into two weeks of fire blazing hell. So I put on one of his Sawtooth Hotshot t-shirts,  sat on the couch and fought back the tears while I prayed that it would all get easier.

I distinctly remember thinking that I was brave like my Gram. She was far more fun than I've ever been, a ferocious pool player and always the one to take us on the big rides at Disneyland. Gram was a joker, her blue eyes twinkling as she came after you with a squirt gun. And she was ever so brave. She met my Grandpa before WW II, married him in a courthouse and they had great love. He died way too earlier but that didn't stop her from living her life to great extents, always brave. I always remember her as fun and brave. She was the perfect combination of the two. After saying “Goodbye” to her the day before, I felt so empty because I didn't want to know life without her. But as I sat on that couch, preparing to send the one I loved to some fire somewhere, knowing we wouldn't talk and I’d be checking the reports compulsively until the two weeks was up, I felt a bit of my Gram’s fierceness in me. She did this with my Grandpa but she sent him to a war. Her blood is my blood and if she could do something far more difficult than sending a man to a blazing wildfire, so could I.

Ian interrupted my thoughts by fiddling around with a camera in the kitchen, and I thought nothing of it because I knew he was planning to take it with him to document his adventures on the fire lines across our incredible country. Then he came and stood in front of me telling me he needed to talk to me and to please stand up. I refused telling him we could converse just fine with me sitting on the couch. He insisted and finally I gave in. The thought had not at all crossed my mind that this was it, the moment I was convinced was never going to come from this bearded man who had captured my heart despite all my best efforts to not let that happen. 

And so as I stood in the living room of what would be the first house we bought, hair in a mess, blue eyes swollen from great sadness, wearing an old sweat stained Sawtooth Hotshot t-shirt, I watched Ian drop to a knee, grab my right hand and simply say “Will you marry me?”.

Most girls I know of shrieked in joy, shed a few tears and beautifully answered “Yes”. Not me. I looked at him and reciprocated with “ARE YOU SURE????” Ian patiently just looked at me while I repeated that same question a few times, and then I realized he was putting the ring on the wrong hand and so in between the “Are you sure?” was a few “LEFT HAND, LEFT HAND!!”   

And then I said yes.

 

No one tells you the great capacity of saying yes. It’s obvious that you’ll soon be showered with questions that you will be answering like a robot for months to come. It’s obvious that suddenly you are obsessed with all things wedding and in my case on a fast track to being the worst bride in the history of wedding planning. Saying yes meant joint checking accounts, name changes and double the laundry. But it goes so much deeper than a wedding. I'm still learning what that "Yes" means a year later. 

What I didn't realize at the time was the saying yes would be one of the greatest decisions I ever would make. I know that people say that getting married was the best day of their life, or maybe the day when they welcome their children.  To me getting married was great, but getting engaged was better. There would be no wedding, no babies, no name changes without the initial question. A question Ian asked me just like he does everything, no fuss, no details, just open, honest and to the point.

That day changed me. Saying yes has made me better. I choose now to be less selfish (well at least try to). I choose to participate in Ian’s victories, even if they have nothing to do with me because a win for him is a win for our family, our team.  I now am a part of something far greater than myself. I’m stronger now because I've been added to.

Ian is my safe place. I need him. I don’t want to go back to the days before him and I’m anxious with excitement and a little nervousness for the days ahead. There’s a world out there that we need to put our mark on. It doesn't matter if we are frustrating, passionate and stubborn. We are each other’s. He chose me and I chose him. He chooses me and I choose him. It’s a daily thing, our love. And it’s thanks to May 17, 2012 that we are where we are.

He was brave enough to ask and I was smart enough to say yes. I plan on saying yes to that man until my dying breath. Yes to camping trips, yes to passport stamps that have a selfish motive of hunting or fishing. Yes to pizza and beer dates. Yes to babies. Yes to loving him when he’s not lovable and simply because he chose me. Yes, yes, yes to all that our life will hold because I get to do it with the most intelligent, manly, handsome, brave man I know.