I usually love fall, October and November specifically. I love the change of season, I love that the heat of summer is gone. I crave boots and scarves. The crock-pot because a multiple times per week cooking aide. Ian is sort of home more...he's physically present but mentally miles away planning his annual two week hunting trip with his graduate school friends. He gets so happy and so excited, and even though I always miss him when he's gone, I love that he has this trip to look forward to after how hard he works during fire season. Thanksgiving is just around the corner and then there's my favorite event of the year: Christmas in the Nighttime Sky. I get more excited for Thanksgiving and Christmas in the Nighttime Sky than I do Christmas itself. I can't say this is the case this year.
I've seen the posts on Facebook and Instagram of everyone's 30 days of Thankfulness. I can't decide if I find them inspiring or annoying. Shouldn't we be thankful every day of the year? Why must everyone declare their love for life for 30 days and then in real life and the rest of the year, be the opposite? I roll my eyes at the posts of "I'm thankful for socks" or "I'm thankful for air". Oh, aren't we all. On the inspiring side, I love seeing how people are thankful for second chances and loved ones. I love seeing people be vulnerable with their heart of thankfulness. Usually, I do my own Thankful 30 of sorts but this year, I've avoided it like the plague.
Thanksgiving and Christmas in the Nighttime Sky have always been such an important part of my family. In the 25 years I've lived in Idaho, I have only missed it once and that's because I was in England. For whatever reason, I've always loved that my family made Thanksgiving work. I don't remember a Thanksgiving that we actually spent with blood family members but with people that have become family and that made it so special. I cry every single year when we all stand around the room, holding hands and saying what we're thankful for. I've waited my whole life to host Thanksgiving at my house.
Thanksgiving was the first time I introduced Ian to my family. I was so anxious leading up to that day because we had been friends forever and only recently crossed into the dating realm. I still wasn't convinced that he even liked me (he often laughs at this because he called me two weeks prior from hunting camp....apparently that right there should have been my biggest clue because usually nothing can distract him from hunting camp). It was sort of a perfect disaster that day, my mom was at least 4 hours late in making Thanksgiving dinner so Ian spent a lot of the day in the garage with my dad while I paced around the house in a panic. That day was, unbeknownst to me, life changing.
And this year, because of my parents divorce and the separation between my siblings and I as a result, I want to skip my favorite two days of the year. I'm mourning the loss of my family as I know it and also my favorite holiday (and the day after) because it's too painful to think about. It makes me angry and heartbroken. I feel the injustice that because my mom chose to leave her marriage, I shouldn't have to pay the price of split holidays and wrecked traditions but the reality is that I do have to do that. I really don't feel like being thankful at all.
So, I'm heading to Northern Idaho to join my husband and his best friends and their families and sharing my favorite day with people I don't know well. I'd be lying if I didn't say I was really nervous. But then, a sweet woman named Lauren (who's husband is my husband's great friend and preferred hunting buddy) sent me an email telling me that she forgets sometimes that we don't know each other well because if Ian loves me, she knows she will too. She told me about how happy they are to get to know me and share this day. And also, that it was ok for me to feel broken and overwhelmed right now. Lauren shared a spirit of thankfulness to me and I don't even think she planned on doing it. Her kindness changed me and calmed me. I'm still a little nervous but I'm also really thankful that I have a safe place to go where no one cares about my family, they just care (and are happy) that I'm there.
And this year, even though I'll probably cry, is going to be good. It's going to be more than enough. And maybe next year, I'll willingly leave Christmas in the Nighttime Sky because our North Idaho Thanksgiving will be one we want to repeat and make our own tradition. Either way, I'm thankful and more so, hopeful.
And this year, even though I'll probably cry, is going to be good. It's going to be more than enough. And maybe next year, I'll willingly leave Christmas in the Nighttime Sky because our North Idaho Thanksgiving will be one we want to repeat and make our own tradition. Either way, I'm thankful and more so, hopeful.
