Adieu, 28

Tomorrow, June 10, is my birthday. I'm currently sitting on my couch marveling about the fact that I have approximately 3 hours left in my 28th year of life. This year has gone so far the opposite of what I had planned that it's almost comical, in a terribly painful sort of way. 28 wasn't kind. For the most part it wasn't fun. It was stressful. It's been one of the most insecure years of my life. I've been angry, heartbroken and felt alone. I've been brave and cried more than I ever thought was possible for my already extremely active tear ducts which in turn made me feel the opposite of brave. Basically, I was/am a mess. 

I had so much more planned for my life than what has happened. I was going to be done having babies by 29 and I haven't even started yet. I was going to be established in a career, knowing that whatever it was that I was doing, was encouraging others to be brave with their own life. I felt certain this year would have been the one where I became an expert wife who made insanely healthy meals, had a killer body and was a DIY queen whose home would be the envy of everyone for the perfect mix of Ian and I's loves and interests. I was going to host a Christmas party, join a book club, and travel more. 

None of that happened. No baby. I left an amazing job to go to school for something I don't love to prove to people I don't care about that I'm smart enough to be somebody. I've made some healthy meals but they are generally tarnished by some craving I have. Don't even ask me about my body. The DIY projects have been limited to a bookshelf and a cookie jar that I eventually just put a sticker on as a label, rather than the cool chalkboard art I planned on. There was no Christmas party. I have yet to invite anyone to my book club. The travel thing happened- an amazing trip to the Bahamas, a perfect anniversary weekend in Jackson and a few weekends in other places. 

In my first year of marriage, my mom filed for divorce from my dad. It was awful and ugly and I still am not sure that I'll ever be over it. The ripple effect has changed so many relationships in my life, it seems like I can't escape it. There were friends who I bore my everything to who now I have no relationship with. Girls that I laughed with, shared secrets with and made an effort to be real and vulnerable with are now strangers. My family has changed too. I've realized that there are certain instances when "family" has very little to do with blood and for that I'm extremely thankful.  

Between the family stuff, the loss of friendships, the job situations, and life in general, it was a rough year. My incredible husband carried my burdens and his own on a yolk that I should have shared but was incapable of pulling my weight. That man is my greatest gift, day after day. He is consistent, calm and ever so loving to me. He was the one who helped me find hope in my ashes. 

I sit here tonight, thinking about how tough being 28 was. But I'm hopeful and expectant that 29 will be so much more than 28 could have been. I have the best husband on the planet. I am starting a job as a librarian at a school full of amazing kids and fulfilling a dream I've had since I was a little girl. I have solid friendships. I'm excited to walk forward with the ones who didn't walk away when I was a miserable person to be a friend to. I'm thankful for new friendships, too. I want to keep a tender heart this year, moving forward with courage and hope. I hope 29 brings more passport stamps. A book club. Wine and Prasai take out. A baby. Reconciliation. A Nena and Co Weekender bag. Joy. Confidence that right here, right now, I am beautiful and enough. Just to name a few but I know that the best is yet to come. 

(What, what would have become of me) had I not believed that I would see the Lord's goodness in the land of the living! Wait and hope for and expect the Lord; be brave and of good courage and let your heart be stout and enduring. Yes, wait for and hope for and expect the Lord. 

Pslams 27:13-14

Welcome 29. You are wanted. You are my year. Let's do this. 

Bahama's, Baby!

A while back, I posted 30 things I wanted to accomplish before I turned 30. Quite honestly, I've not put much effort into the list since that time. Lately, I've felt very disconnected from my blog and while trying to find something to write about today, I revisited the list. Enter today's blog topic and 1/2 of one of my goals. Double win.

This heart of mine has always been fascinated with travel (although as a kid, I chose to sit in the car and read while my family played on the beach or hiked down trails when we vacationed) and so when my in-laws gifted my husband and I a trip to visit them in the Bahama's, it took no convincing on my behalf to accept. To say the trip was one of the best weeks we have ever had is to put it in the simplest form possible. 

This was the view for over an hour, flying south into the Bahamas. I annoyed Ian with constant, repetitive comments regarding a) my excitement, b) how stunning it was, c) how sad I was that we were going to have to leave in a week. Point C is fully recognized as dramatic but let's face it, no one wants to leave a dream vacation, especially when the view is this good on the way. 

Our feet touched the ground, we took a deep breath of salty air, I scrunched my nose in sheer happiness and walked with Ian into such a fun adventure. 

We were able to feed and pet stingrays. This is also the spot that I met a little boy named Richard who named all of the stingrays "Stingray". 

Ocean side with my main squeeze.

This sand bar was bar none the most beautiful beach area I've ever been too. Even some rain showers couldn't take away from the perfection of this place. 

Naps while sailing are essential when on vacation. 

Daily swims are also a must. How can one resist such water? 

Ian went spear fishing with a friend of the family's and they brought back this hogfish for dinner. Ahhhhmazing. 

The world's best cook happens to be my mother in law. She's all around wonderful. 

The Rickert men. Their similarities are pretty frightening but provided much amusement over the course of the week.

No caption needed. 

We played 26 games of Mexican Train over the course of the week. I won game 23 and 25. There was a point where I was not going to leave the country until I won and it still took 10 plus games before that happened. 

I could continue to post pictures and tell you even more stories of what a treasured week we had. I am so lucky for this life I have. No promises though of futures posts that gush even more about all of this goodness. Bahamas is best!! 

Come to the Table

     In our sweet home, on of my favorite places is our kitchen table. I sit here often thinking of the day I just experienced, or planning the days ahead. There is glue on it from the countless hours Ian spent there laboring over the tiny, important details that are required of fly tying. There are Cooking Light magazine, bills to be paid, and whatever I'm reading spread across the top. Depending on which chair you sit in, you can see a fair amount of the place we call home. 

      My favorite chair is the one Ian sits in for dinner but I always steal for breakfast. There's a view of our kitchen where I often catch myself smiling at Ian's shed antler finds mixed among my Anthropologie purchases. It's a constant reminder of our individual personalities find their way into our life as husband and wife. If you look out our back door, you can see our little tree in the back yard. We planted it after buying our house and you can rest assured I will be carving our initials in it before we move out. You can also see our living room, where so much reading happens. There's more books, more fly fishing stuff, more antlers, and pictures of our life. I see the blanket my Beppe knit for me and mailed to England with a card that said she was praying I would never give up even though she knew how hard that season of life was for me. I see that blanket and suddenly am transported to the seaside in Folkestone where I would bring it to keep me warm while I prayed and watched the sea. I see it and think how lucky I am to be her granddaughter and live my days with her legacy at the forefront of my mind. I look at the pictures on the wall that were taken on a fire that Ian fought. They remind me to pray, and never taken my husband's life for granted. 

     It isn't just what I can see from the table, though, that captivates me. It's what happens there. Up until a few months ago when Ian built himself a massive desk, he tied flies at the kitchen table. I loved the nights I sat on the couch with a book or the tv keeping me company while I sat and watched this brilliant man make tiny insects attached to fishing hooks with such concentration. I love eating dinner together at the table, recapping our day, planning the future and just being together. I love writing at this table because so much of what inspires me is right in front of me. I feel brave and safe here. I pay bills and make grocery lists here, so it's also a reminder of my responsibilities as a wife. It's where I sit when I FaceTime friends from around the world, cup of tea in hand, feeling like they are right there with me. It's where we eat with our friends and actually *talk* to them rather than communicating through mobile devices and social media. My table is such a happy place. 

     Someday our table will host a few more place settings as our family expands. Chances are, a little one will scratch their name into the wood. It will be where battles of will are tested when someone doesn't want to eat something from dinner. It will be the center for many creative afternoon hours spent building with marshmallows and toothpicks. Or painting masterpieces that will be forced upon family members to be displayed on refrigerators. Lots of learning will happen here, homework is almost always easier with a snack. There will probably always be books on it. I'm sure I will be cleaning up dried guacamole and orange juice, wishing for the days that I only had Ian and I to clean up after. I hope, though, that our table is always a place to connect as a family. A place where we are creative and so happy when we are there. 

     I love our table and how it provides a space for connection. I have planned, laugh and grown so much from my seat. The opportunities my table gives me for memory making are innumerable. I hope hope I always go back to the table to be reminded of how rich my life truly is. 

"...Indeed, he would have brought you out of dire distress, into a broad place where there is no restraint; And what is set on your table would be full of richness." Job 36:16 

Finding a Thankful Heart, One Day at a Time

I usually love fall, October and November specifically. I love the change of season, I love that the heat of summer is gone. I crave boots and scarves. The crock-pot because a multiple times per week cooking aide. Ian is sort of home more...he's physically present but mentally miles away planning his annual two week hunting trip with his graduate school friends. He gets so happy and so excited, and even though I always miss him when he's gone, I love that he has this trip to look forward to after how hard he works during fire season. Thanksgiving is just around the corner and then there's my favorite event of the year: Christmas in the Nighttime Sky. I get more excited for Thanksgiving and Christmas in the Nighttime Sky than I do Christmas itself. I can't say this is the case this year. 

      

I've seen the posts on Facebook and Instagram of everyone's 30 days of Thankfulness. I can't decide if I find them inspiring or annoying. Shouldn't we be thankful every day of the year? Why must everyone declare their love for life for 30 days and then in real life and the rest of the year, be the opposite? I roll my eyes at the posts of "I'm thankful for socks" or "I'm thankful for air". Oh, aren't we all. On the inspiring side, I love seeing how people are thankful for second chances and loved ones. I love seeing people be vulnerable with their heart of thankfulness. Usually, I do my own Thankful 30 of sorts but this year, I've avoided it like the plague. 

Thanksgiving and Christmas in the Nighttime Sky have always been such an important part of my family. In the 25 years I've lived in Idaho, I have only missed it once and that's because I was in England. For whatever reason, I've always loved that my family made Thanksgiving work. I don't remember a Thanksgiving that we actually spent with blood family members but with people that have become family and that made it so special. I cry every single year when we all stand around the room, holding hands and saying what we're thankful for. I've waited my whole life to host Thanksgiving at my house. 

Thanksgiving was the first time I introduced Ian to my family. I was so anxious leading up to that day because we had been friends forever and only recently crossed into the dating realm. I still wasn't convinced that he even liked me (he often laughs at this because he called me two weeks prior from hunting camp....apparently that right there should have been my biggest clue because usually nothing can distract him from hunting camp). It was sort of a perfect disaster that day, my mom was at least 4 hours late in making Thanksgiving dinner so Ian spent a lot of the day in the garage with my dad while I paced around the house in a panic. That day was, unbeknownst to me, life changing. 

And this year, because of my parents divorce and the separation between my siblings and I as a result, I want to skip my favorite two days of the year. I'm mourning the loss of my family as I know it and also my favorite holiday (and the day after) because it's too painful to think about. It makes me angry and heartbroken. I feel the injustice that because my mom chose to leave her marriage, I shouldn't have to pay the price of split holidays and wrecked traditions but the reality is that I do have to do that.  I really don't feel like being thankful at all. 

So, I'm heading to Northern Idaho to join my husband and his best friends and their families and sharing my favorite day with people I don't know well. I'd be lying if I didn't say I was really nervous. But then, a sweet woman named Lauren (who's husband is my husband's great friend and preferred hunting buddy) sent me an email telling me that she forgets sometimes that we don't know each other well because if Ian loves me, she knows she will too. She told me about how happy they are to get to know me and share this day. And also, that it was ok for me to feel broken and overwhelmed right now. Lauren shared a spirit of thankfulness to me and I don't even think she planned on doing it. Her kindness changed me and calmed me. I'm still a little nervous but I'm also really thankful that I have a safe place to go where no one cares about my family, they just care (and are happy) that I'm there.

And this year, even though I'll probably cry, is going to be good. It's going to be more than enough. And maybe next year, I'll willingly leave Christmas in the Nighttime Sky because our North Idaho Thanksgiving will be one we want to repeat and make our own tradition. Either way, I'm thankful and more so, hopeful. 

     

For Better and For Worse

     

   

   It's been 368 days since I committed my everything to Ian. I walk through the home that we have together, full of incredible pictures taken by our incredible friend Sid and revel in how he perfectly captured moments that I didn't even know were happening. I look at my shoes that I kick off every day under our kitchen bar and see the cereal bowl with a few remnant's of Ian's morning oatmeal resting on the counter and smile at the little things that somehow just happen. I often filter through the stock pile of notes Ian has left me, thanking God for the one He gave me who understand my love of words.  There are feathers, super glue and other essentials to fly tying on our kitchen table and my books everywhere, they are an extension of us. It's only fitting that they are literally everywhere in our house. 

      Our wedding was a defining moment in my life. It was a labor of love of so many people. One of my best and life long friends came for 5 days and helped her mom make each and every aspect of the decor something that belonged in a magazine.Without them, I would have been lost. Their vision and ability to make a room take your breath away still blow me away. Our families came from all over the United States. I wish I could go back to those two days we were all together, eating, laughing, loving and just being us. I know my Beppe was looking down from heaven, beaming that the prayers she prayed over us all were coming to fruition. I loved the excitement of Ian and I's young cousins about being in Idaho and helping set up the wedding. I loved my sister being the one standing with me, like she always has. I loved the Idaho shaped sugar cookies. All of these people and things are such an important part of the beginning of our forever. 

     

I made a choice on October 27, 2012. I remember the day we got married and how utterly calm I was. Calm is not something I really ever am. The fact I didn't cry at all walking down the aisle or during our vows is shocking because I cry at everything. I don't remember much of that beautiful day but I do remember standing with Ian and vowing that "for better and for worse" I would stand by him, love him, work for his dreams, be patient and forgiving. I remember this sense of boldness coming to my heart when saying the words "for better and for worse".  I felt such conviction when I felt them leave my lips because I knew that I was committing something far beyond myself. 

     Loving Ian is the best choice I've ever made. When the syllables that made the words "for better and for worse" left my lips, I was unaware of the magnitude they would have on my life in the next year and that often both of those things would come in the same day. I was unsure of the mountains  ahead of us but confident in the one I set out to conquer them with. And our first year of marriage certainly didn't lack for mountains. 

     I could tell you all the hard things that we experienced these last 12 months. Some would be pretty typical for most couples and other things would make you want to come over with some Champagne and celebrate with us. We sure did have a lot of really rough moments, day/s, maybe even weeks...but we also have a 368 consecutive day success rate for overcoming them. It wasn't always pretty. And there were lots of tears on my part and many hours spent in the garage on Ian's part. I'm a firm believer in that the one you choose to join your life to dictates a lot of how your life will go. 

    

      

But for every struggle, the victory was so much sweeter. Each mountain top was worth the work we put in together to get there. I learned that the better part of things were often the small, seemingly insignificant things. It is post it notes plastered all over the house, silly and sappy. It is peanuts and beer while watching the Yankees at SafeCo field. It is surf and turf dinner together on Christmas Eve, reveling how great it was to be a family and make our own traditions. It's reading on the bank of the river while Ian fishes and realizing how happy we both are together, even doing different things. It's those treasured 3 minutes on the phone in the middle of fire season that give both of us the reassurance that we are thriving and each other's biggest supporter. I could go on and on, counting out all the perfect things that happened in the most difficult and beautiful year of my life. 

     I am so thankful for the man God gave me. I'm thankful for his patience with me. I'm thankful for the level of intelligence and work ethic that he puts forth in all he does. He is diligent and relentless in his pursuit of life. He is my Ephesians 3:20.  I know that our better far outweighs our worse. I will say yes to this man and our life for the rest of my days. 

    We celebrated our year of marriage with a trip to the Tetons. And it was there that I fell in love with Ian all over again. Knowing that if our mountains turn out anything like the Tetons, we are blessed.  

     Cheers to one year with the one I love. 

(I can't seem to get our wedding video to link to this so if you'd like to see it, go to:
YouTube, search Sidney Diongzon and you'll find "Ian and Katie: An Autumn Wedding")

Enough

     I remember being a gap toothed, knobby kneed girl who buried herself in the life stories of Nancy Drew, Anne of Green Gables, Esther and countless other strong, heroic females. I always wanted to be them, failing to see myself as enough. I wanted the bravery of Esther, to change the course of History with her self confidence and obedience to God. And Nancy Drew was adventurous, smart and had the world's two best friends. Anne of Green Gables was spunky and a dreamer. And I was just a little blonde girl who looked in the mirror every day and saw everything that I wasn't instead of the incredible things that I was. I saw freckles and blue eyes that seemed just a little too big. I saw a girl whose eyes filled with tears at every heartbreak and who was too scared to make friends because she was bossy, insecure and somehow shy. (At least I felt that way, my mother though feels that I was far from shy.) 

     I spent most of my childhood and heck, most of my life, wishing away the here and now. I wished for less freckles, to be older, to win Star Search, to own my own library, to never have to go to another sleepover, to have a best friend. I wished away so much because I was so busy convincing myself that I wasn't enough that life passed me by. I tried to be a party girl in college and failed miserably because I just love Jesus way too much. I tried to be the smart career girl and that fails miserably every time. I look at myself in the mirror and see 20 unwanted pounds, dark circles under my eyes and those damn freckles. Here I am, at 28 still seeing the grown up version of that gap tooth, blondie whose dreams were so big but confidence was so small. And I wonder, what would happen if I lived in the right here, right now?

      Life hasn't been very kind lately. My family is falling apart before my eyes. I'm in yet another transition period vocationally and because I don't have a piece of my paper validating my worth, the job hunt is taunting. I'm sort of settling in as a wife but I still have so much to learn and find myself wishing I was just like whatever wife I think is outdoing me. My friendship circles have changed drastically and I've been hurt by people I was so raw with and even though it's supposed to be going away, it still stings more than I'd like to admit. I feel let down and not good enough. I say that it doesn't matter and that it's ok to be treated the way these "friends" treated me because as the saying goes, "hurting people hurt people" but I can't live that way with any sense of honesty. 

      I don't want to be the girl who sees herself as not enough in every single capacity. I want to stop defending myself to everyone I find it necessary to do so. I'm exhausted from trying to prove that who I am, where I am, right here, right now is enough. And not just enough...it's beautiful and lovely and real. 

I may not have a college degree that deems me worthy of a certain pay grade, but I do have a heart that loves people and that does take me further than any dollar will (note to all of you who think I'm just living on a prayer: I'm not...I'm simply saying that my heart and my character mean more to me than a paycheck and I don't define who I am by the work that earns the paycheck I bring home). I may not be supermodel hot, but I do have a husband who loves me and makes a point to tell me how much he loves those damn freckles and blue eyes. I want to be one to be gracious and to find beauty in the ugly but not ignore the pain. 

     Wouldn't it be a beautiful thing to find it amongst ourselves to take those closest to us and love them right where they are instead of trying to fix them or their situation? To walk together in grace. To look at our life and not be disappointed to the point that, like me, you let life go without you but rather to find the joy in the journey of now knowing it won't stay that way forever. To extend a hand when it's needed simply because we love the one who needs it rather than because we have the answer they need.

     Simply Kate isn't just a blog title. It's who I am, day in and day out. It's a mixture of laughter and tears, triumphs and falling flat on my face and then being run over by the world's longest train. I am real. And I am enough. 

A Perfect 10

Dear 10 Months of Marriage-

I feel like it's taken us forever to get to you and then in the next second, I can't believe it's only been 10 months since you changed my life forever. I've looked forward to this day for a while now, knowing that if we could make it 10 months, we are only two months away from one of the greatest celebrations in our lives. I've learned in these 10 months though, to celebrate the small steps along with the huge leaps and that's why I'm writing to you.

You've consumed our lives, Marriage. You are on my mind at any given moment of the day while I weave my cart through the aisle of my favorite grocery store, seeking inspiration for a new meal that will wow my treasured husband, keeping in mind I'm already running later than I planned to be. I think of you and how you've changed my life for the better when I'm trying to fall asleep in our huge bed when Husband is away fighting a fire. I'd give just about anything for him to be home but I'm so at peace knowing that our marriage is a strong foundation on which we are building our life.

You are the reason I love holding Ian's hand. I love feeling that dry, rough skin remembering our first night in Jamaica where we marveled at our new wedding rings in the moonlight.  We added to our forever plans on that beach. Some were simple ones like scuba diving together, taking advantage of mimosa's with breakfast and promising to always kiss goodnight. Others were major plans of babies, investment accounts, our mutual desire to have a house full of books and how I would never be the one to make the coffee because Ian can't drink sludge at home when it's often the only option at fire camp. I remember Ian continually fidgeting with his ring, his slight grin so obvious without his beard. I love this daily reminder of the covenant we made before God to be great forgivers, passionate lovers and each other's protectors.

You've been a challenge, Marriage and I know you'll still find ways to test us. In the last ten months though, thanks to you, our trust is deeper. We laugh so much more and are learning not to sweat the small stuff. My tears ducts are still very over active but Ian's patience has grown. I cry, he laughs, we kiss and then I sigh with contentment that I married the one my soul loves. You've forced us to be ones who listen to not just the words of each other but heart. You had stretched us as forgivers. Without you, both of us may still be too independent for our own good. Our horizon has expanded, our sense of adventure has heightened. We are better together than we ever were apart. Our differences are pale in comparison to our similarities.

We've embraced you, Marriage and we so look forward to what you have in store for us over the next 80 years or so. We're excited for the day that we're celebrating 10 years instead of 10 months. We can't wait to look back on this year and see how strong we are and yet full of grace. May you always remind us to love as fiercely as we currently do. May we continue to celebrate you with sticky notes plastered all around as a  Welcome Home. Please let us always find things to laugh about until we don't even know why we are laughing. Let us fight fair, for our marriage, our love, our family...but remind us to always fight together and never against each other. Give us babies (one at a time and not quite yet), and wisdom to prioritize us when huge change occurs. I hope we always find the joy in evenings spent drinking tea and watching football, knowing that it's the perfect pair on a perfect night because it's so us. Help us to never compare our love to anyone else's because ours is more than enough. 

Thank you for changing us. Thank you for taking over the every day and giving new meaning to life. We're going to keep you around, Marriage- at any expense. We made it 10 months into one of the toughest years of our lives and we are still standing, still loving and so looking forward to the future. We're going to give our best so that our marriage will be one that our great-grand kids strive for. Centered in Jesus. Abundant in love. Forgiving and kind, laugh lines obvious when we smile. 

The kind that makes by-passers stop for a second and hope for the same flame with the one they love. 

Here's to forever and a day with the One I prayed for and would give my life for. 

The best is yet to come! 

Love, 

Katie