I had so much more planned for my life than what has happened. I was going to be done having babies by 29 and I haven't even started yet. I was going to be established in a career, knowing that whatever it was that I was doing, was encouraging others to be brave with their own life. I felt certain this year would have been the one where I became an expert wife who made insanely healthy meals, had a killer body and was a DIY queen whose home would be the envy of everyone for the perfect mix of Ian and I's loves and interests. I was going to host a Christmas party, join a book club, and travel more.
None of that happened. No baby. I left an amazing job to go to school for something I don't love to prove to people I don't care about that I'm smart enough to be somebody. I've made some healthy meals but they are generally tarnished by some craving I have. Don't even ask me about my body. The DIY projects have been limited to a bookshelf and a cookie jar that I eventually just put a sticker on as a label, rather than the cool chalkboard art I planned on. There was no Christmas party. I have yet to invite anyone to my book club. The travel thing happened- an amazing trip to the Bahamas, a perfect anniversary weekend in Jackson and a few weekends in other places.
In my first year of marriage, my mom filed for divorce from my dad. It was awful and ugly and I still am not sure that I'll ever be over it. The ripple effect has changed so many relationships in my life, it seems like I can't escape it. There were friends who I bore my everything to who now I have no relationship with. Girls that I laughed with, shared secrets with and made an effort to be real and vulnerable with are now strangers. My family has changed too. I've realized that there are certain instances when "family" has very little to do with blood and for that I'm extremely thankful.
Between the family stuff, the loss of friendships, the job situations, and life in general, it was a rough year. My incredible husband carried my burdens and his own on a yolk that I should have shared but was incapable of pulling my weight. That man is my greatest gift, day after day. He is consistent, calm and ever so loving to me. He was the one who helped me find hope in my ashes.
I sit here tonight, thinking about how tough being 28 was. But I'm hopeful and expectant that 29 will be so much more than 28 could have been. I have the best husband on the planet. I am starting a job as a librarian at a school full of amazing kids and fulfilling a dream I've had since I was a little girl. I have solid friendships. I'm excited to walk forward with the ones who didn't walk away when I was a miserable person to be a friend to. I'm thankful for new friendships, too. I want to keep a tender heart this year, moving forward with courage and hope. I hope 29 brings more passport stamps. A book club. Wine and Prasai take out. A baby. Reconciliation. A Nena and Co Weekender bag. Joy. Confidence that right here, right now, I am beautiful and enough. Just to name a few but I know that the best is yet to come.
(What, what would have become of me) had I not believed that I would see the Lord's goodness in the land of the living! Wait and hope for and expect the Lord; be brave and of good courage and let your heart be stout and enduring. Yes, wait for and hope for and expect the Lord.
Pslams 27:13-14
Welcome 29. You are wanted. You are my year. Let's do this.
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