Enough

     I remember being a gap toothed, knobby kneed girl who buried herself in the life stories of Nancy Drew, Anne of Green Gables, Esther and countless other strong, heroic females. I always wanted to be them, failing to see myself as enough. I wanted the bravery of Esther, to change the course of History with her self confidence and obedience to God. And Nancy Drew was adventurous, smart and had the world's two best friends. Anne of Green Gables was spunky and a dreamer. And I was just a little blonde girl who looked in the mirror every day and saw everything that I wasn't instead of the incredible things that I was. I saw freckles and blue eyes that seemed just a little too big. I saw a girl whose eyes filled with tears at every heartbreak and who was too scared to make friends because she was bossy, insecure and somehow shy. (At least I felt that way, my mother though feels that I was far from shy.) 

     I spent most of my childhood and heck, most of my life, wishing away the here and now. I wished for less freckles, to be older, to win Star Search, to own my own library, to never have to go to another sleepover, to have a best friend. I wished away so much because I was so busy convincing myself that I wasn't enough that life passed me by. I tried to be a party girl in college and failed miserably because I just love Jesus way too much. I tried to be the smart career girl and that fails miserably every time. I look at myself in the mirror and see 20 unwanted pounds, dark circles under my eyes and those damn freckles. Here I am, at 28 still seeing the grown up version of that gap tooth, blondie whose dreams were so big but confidence was so small. And I wonder, what would happen if I lived in the right here, right now?

      Life hasn't been very kind lately. My family is falling apart before my eyes. I'm in yet another transition period vocationally and because I don't have a piece of my paper validating my worth, the job hunt is taunting. I'm sort of settling in as a wife but I still have so much to learn and find myself wishing I was just like whatever wife I think is outdoing me. My friendship circles have changed drastically and I've been hurt by people I was so raw with and even though it's supposed to be going away, it still stings more than I'd like to admit. I feel let down and not good enough. I say that it doesn't matter and that it's ok to be treated the way these "friends" treated me because as the saying goes, "hurting people hurt people" but I can't live that way with any sense of honesty. 

      I don't want to be the girl who sees herself as not enough in every single capacity. I want to stop defending myself to everyone I find it necessary to do so. I'm exhausted from trying to prove that who I am, where I am, right here, right now is enough. And not just enough...it's beautiful and lovely and real. 

I may not have a college degree that deems me worthy of a certain pay grade, but I do have a heart that loves people and that does take me further than any dollar will (note to all of you who think I'm just living on a prayer: I'm not...I'm simply saying that my heart and my character mean more to me than a paycheck and I don't define who I am by the work that earns the paycheck I bring home). I may not be supermodel hot, but I do have a husband who loves me and makes a point to tell me how much he loves those damn freckles and blue eyes. I want to be one to be gracious and to find beauty in the ugly but not ignore the pain. 

     Wouldn't it be a beautiful thing to find it amongst ourselves to take those closest to us and love them right where they are instead of trying to fix them or their situation? To walk together in grace. To look at our life and not be disappointed to the point that, like me, you let life go without you but rather to find the joy in the journey of now knowing it won't stay that way forever. To extend a hand when it's needed simply because we love the one who needs it rather than because we have the answer they need.

     Simply Kate isn't just a blog title. It's who I am, day in and day out. It's a mixture of laughter and tears, triumphs and falling flat on my face and then being run over by the world's longest train. I am real. And I am enough.